When it comes to 2020, the humble toilet is rich with symbolism.
Yes, symbolism – we’re getting literary, so whack on your monocle and keep up.
The Great Gatsby has the green light. This column has the toilet.
We can now say with absolute certainty the entire year went down the toilet. And all the best scandals also involved a toilet.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
YEAR OF SCANDALS: Listen to the podcast below
Married At First Sight once again proved we’re in the golden age of television when a man scrubbed the toilet with his wife’s toothbrush after she allegedly cheated on him. What happened to just changing the locks on the front door and throwing the cheater’s clothes out the window onto the driveway as the neighbours peak out through the venetian blinds?
Anyway, the toilet toothbrush gripped the nation. It doesn’t take much to get Aussies’ attention. And if it’s not a toilet toothbrush, it’s a poo jogger.
Speaking of which, Roxy Jacenko’s still conducting an intense investigation to find out which Sydneysider kept crapping in her driveway – and I’m still petitioning for ABC investigative journalist Caro Meldrum-Hanna to do a docuseries on it.
If the government didn’t like ABC’s recent Four Corner’s sexposé, maybe a gritty poo jogger whodunit will ease the tension. True crime is all the rage.
In an attempt to ride on the coat-tails of Channel 9’s toilet toothbrush success, Channel 7 decided they too needed to cash in on the subject.
Enter former Iron Woman Candice Warner! Along with a swag of other … celebrities (ahem), the mum-of-three signed onto the network’s brutal new military-inspired series SAS Australia where she was physically tortured and psychologically broken after getting locked in a concrete cell and interrogated multiple times by former soldiers about her infamous toilet tryst with footy player Sonny Bill Williams.
And as if that wasn’t enough, she got double-dunnied when she was helping some other contestants empty the communal toilet bucket and it exploded all over them.
That’s how desperate some people are to remain relevant: they will willingly endure an exploding toilet bucket on television.
The closest any of us regular folk came to that kind of humiliation this year was when we all started getting filmed by television crews while buying toilet paper during the Great Shortage of 2020. We all had to talk about the stuff more than anyone would prefer.
And I can say with confidence that I would literally rather anything else happen to me as long as it meant I was never filmed buying toilet paper.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Celeb faces of The Great TP Shortage
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: TP wars at Woolies for rich people
All of these incidents send a clear message. We, the media, like to give the people what they want – and the people want toilet scandals! From now on, as a nation, we are only interested in scandals that involve a toilet. The toilet doesn’t necessarily need to be the star of the show, but it must feature prominently.
Outside of the bathroom, there were plenty more scandals but they were run-of-the-mill stuff.
Disgraced chef and amateur medical professional Pete Evans got cancelled and slapped with a $25,000 fine for spruiking a $15,000 magic lamp he reckons can save people from the coronavirus.
These days, that’s all in a day for Pete. To quote every husband from the 1950s: Shut up and get back in the kitchen.
Ellen being a big meanie made her the surprise villain of 2020. And this is actually a good thing. The world needs a new Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay.
She shouldn’t take it personally because we all turned on Meghan and Harry too after they ditched the palace and moved to Hollywood.
Then Prince Andrew came along and really destroyed everything.
After him and the Sussexes, the only person breathing a sigh of relief is Fergie. She’s just glad she’s no longer the family screw-up.
And we’re glad someone got something good out of this year.
MVPs OF THE YEAR
The year’s winding down which means it’s time for our annual Most Valuable Players Of The Year list.
The honour is just like Time magazine’s Person Of The Year, but more bogan.
Who will make the cut?
The shop assistant who made the Hemsworths finally wear shoes certainly deserves to be acknowledged. We waged a year-long campaign in this column to get the famous family into footwear after they were papped running around all over Byron barefoot for far too long. They’ve got Thor money, so there’s no excuse – at least duck down to the servo and get a pair of rubber pluggers.
But, midway through the year, they were finally spotted wearing shoes and we can only conclude it was the handiwork of a pushy shop assistant. MVP right there.