In an episode that ends in mass culling, a clueless contestant on The Bachelorette repeatedly bombs one of the leading ladies with toxic bachelor behaviour more potent than a cloud of Lynx deodorant.
Wednesday night opens with all the guys chanting, “Boys! Boys! Boys!” and, even though we’re not there, we just know this living room stinks.
Some random guy gets a single date card which results in him and Elly doing tourist activities around the Blue Mountains so obviously we will not be delving into anymore detail on this.
The group date isn’t much better. We head to an abandoned theatre where the boys are instructed to put on a talent show. The only major thing to come out of this task is that we’re reminded why Australia’s Got Talent is no longer on the air. It’s boring. But at least AGT had old people break dancing and weirdos with no teeth playing the spoons.
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We zone out of this clown show and when we start paying attention again it seems an intruder has arrived. He’s hot and we hope he wins the series.
Backstage, Becky is having a heart-to-heart with Adrian. She shares her hopes and dreams and goals – and details where she sees her relationship going should she find love on The Bachelorette. Adrian tells her what every girl wants to hear.
“Honestly, I don’t even think we should talk much about life after this,” he shrugs. “Let’s just see what happens, you know what I mean? I’m here to have fun. I love hanging out with the boys. They’re really cool dudes, actually. There’s some really cool dudes and I’m having so much fun.”
Becky basically has a seizure. Jeez lady, lighten up. Stop banging on about “the future”. What do you think this is, a dating show? Go do your taxes, Becky. We’re here to party.
At the cocktail party, this random guy goes and recites the Aldi Mum Mission Statement that’s usually recited when pie maker machines get announced as a Special Buy.
“I’m not here to piss around. If I’ve gotta tread on feet and push people out of the way to get what I want, sorry but I’m gonna do that,” he declares.
Adrian breaks the tension with another chant.
“Boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!” he booms while fist pumping the air. “I love all you dudes, man. Some mad bromances going on, it’s awesome!”
Becky’s still feeling unsettled by what Adrian told her at the talent show earlier in the day. She has spoken with her financial adviser and assessed her 15-year life plan and she’s really concerned Adrian might not have the maturity needed to fit in with it. It’s shocking because contestants on The Bachelorette are nothing if not mature. She pulls him aside just to clarify his thoughts on the future.
“I’m at the stage where I wanna settle down, I wanna buy a home. I want something serious after this,” she explains, flicking through paperwork in her accordion folder.
He hears her loud and clear and responds with sensitivity and understanding.
“What I have to say to you is that I like to just live in the moment,” he grunts while holding in a burp.
“Let’s live now. I’ve had that in the past where we’ve thought too much about what we’re gonna do in the future. And it just puts you in a shitty mindset, you know? Now I just like to enjoy what we have and where we are. And right now I’m sitting next to a beautiful girl that I like. We don’t need to talk about that stuff! We don’t need to be serious all the time!”
Yeah, stop being a stick in the mud, Becky! His points are concrete – no use arguing. Responsibilities are for losers! Use that house deposit and splurge on his-and-hers group trips to Bali.
Of course Becky is not impressed and acts like a wet cat about it. Particularly when we suggest a group date where all the boys get to spend her entire home deposit in one hour.
“I don’t even know what Adrian is doing here,” she sighs as he runs back to the boys.
Jeez, what conversation were you listening to, Becky? We thought it went great! Just ask Adrian.
“I feel really confident with Becky. One hundred per cent I’m getting a rose. One hundred per cent,” he nods.
We’ve heard a lot of wisdom spouting from Adrian’s mouth tonight but nothing tops his expert observations about red wine.
“Half the time red wine always tastes the same. It’s like, is it red? Yeah, it’s red,” he splutters while chugging vino.
The same could be said for Bachelorette contestants. They’re all the same – each oaf as replaceable and forgettable as the next.
This explains why – after several terrible interactions with Adrian where she realised they are completely incompatible – Becky accidentally gives him a rose and keeps him in the competition.
Meanwhile, four boys are wiped out in a mass cull. Which boys? We don’t know. Couldn’t tell you a name – wouldn’t even be able to point to a face.
The cameramen don’t even show a shot of the foursome, mainly because they’re also not sure who they should be looking at. So they just go for a wide-shot.
The only thing we’re certain of? The room still looks like it stinks.