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ScoMo’s thoughts on G-strings is just one thing we don’t need right now

Australia needs Scott Morrison’s thoughts on a G-string bikini like we need Justin Bieber’s exclusive line of Crocs.Both of these things have occurred and, while both are offensive, the former clearly comes out on top when placed on a scale of “eek!” to “just no”.Along with poo joggers, nothing captures this nation’s attention quite like…

Australia needs Scott Morrison’s thoughts on a G-string bikini like we need Justin Bieber’s exclusive line of Crocs.

Both of these things have occurred and, while both are offensive, the former clearly comes out on top when placed on a scale of “eek!” to “just no”.

Along with poo joggers, nothing captures this nation’s attention quite like a racy bikini. There are headlines every week about controversial swimsuits and people getting roused on for wearing them in public.

The latest #breakingnews bikini story came out of Sydney this week, where a woman was told by security at her apartment complex’s pool that her swimsuit was too revealing and to go put on shorts. The complex has a no G-string policy and the woman took to the internet to argue that her swimsuit was just a “normal” bikini.

There’s a very simple test that helps us decide how racy a bikini is: If, upon taking the bikini off, it tangles up into a knot like a pair of headphones when you pull them out of your bag, then it probably is quite risqué and classified as a G-string.

Applying this test to the Sydney woman’s bikini, we can tell from the photos it would not tangle up into a knot and therefore is perfectly acceptable swimwear in communal family areas. It doesn’t even appear to have minor wedgie action at the back.

This bikini debate gained such steam Scott Morrison was asked about it in an interview.

“I thought they always could (wear what they want) I was not aware that any of that had been constricted,” he told 2GB Radio. “I tell you what though, as the father of daughters I might have some dress standards and conditions, but that’s for the family.”

I switched off the radio immediately just in case 2GB asked for ScoMo’s personal thoughts on WAP. Instead of musing about G-string bikinis the prime minister should be doing something meaningful, like building international relations with that fly who won the US vice-presidential debate.

THE RASHIE RENAISSANCE MAKES PROGRESS

None of us need to hear ScoMo commenting on G-strings. It makes us want to throw away all our swimsuits and just wear a full-body rashie, even in the shower.

We touched briefly on rashies a few weeks ago in this column and called for the underrated garment to make a comeback.

This year’s lockdowns have led to gym closures, stress eating and increased alcohol intake which has thrown off all of our summer bodies (our bodies would’ve looked exactly the same regardless of lockdowns, but it’s wonderful to have an excuse).

Multiple calls have been placed to the government to launch a national campaign promoting the rashie renaissance. We’ll lie and say it’s for sun safety but really it’s just for vanity.

We’re still searching for a celebrity to be the face of the campaign. Rashies have a bad rep and a stigma of dorkiness attached, so we need to completely rebrand and change the conversation around them – just like Justin Bieber is trying to do with his exclusive line of Crocs (that one is an impossible task).

If we can get a Hemsworth involved, the job will be done. We’ll even accept that older, less-successful Hemsworth.

Or Zac Efron’s in town. We’ve been sheltering him all throughout the pandemic – the least he could do to repay the favour is participate as the face of Australia’s rashie renaissance.

The upside is there’s no way security at your apartment’s communal pool could ever accuse your rashie of being too racy. And we’d rather hear Scott Morrison share his thoughts on a rashie than a G-string.

ONE MORE THING WE DON’T NEED

Nothing’s more annoying than a condescending montage video of celebrities telling us what to do.

It happened in March when Gal Gadot led a clip of celebs singing John Lennon’s Imagine from inside their mansions in an attempt to cheer us all up in isolation (it just made us all mad).

And now we’re back for round two with a clip of naked celebrities telling US fans how to vote.

Mark Ruffalo, Chelsea Handler, Amy Schumer and Chris Rock all strip off with a bunch of other stars and read through steps on how to post a ballot.

Celebrities make it so hard to like them sometimes and it doesn’t need to be this difficult. What we want from them is simple.

Celebrities getting naked? Yes. Celebrities getting naked and telling us what to do? No.

The only other thing celebrities are good for are comprehensive lists of their My Day On A Plate routine and a decent rom-com that doesn’t exceed 90 minutes.

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