Ladies we’re being duped! I have to admit though, I’m not sad about it. You see, men have discovered the equivalent of a push up bra and it’s getting us all hot and flustered.
Let me try and give you a clue as to what it is.
What do you think about when I ask you to picture a rugged Canadian wood chopper, decked out in low slung jeans, a tight (but not too tight) manly flannelette shirt with a hint of chest hair and an axe slung over his shoulder as he enters the woods?
He’s wearing a beard. Isn’t he.
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With all these manly man being locked up inside thanks to a pandemic, they’ve let themselves regress back to the caveman era, with wild woolly hair not only decking the top of their heads but their faces as well. Swoon.
This robust grooming technique has been given a dating term and it’s one I can get on board with. It’s called ‘Beard Baiting’.
It’s deceptive in the fact that behind that bushy facade could be a very average face. A beard can hide a number of things, like pimply skin, a small chin, a lack of jaw line, heck let’s be honest, if it’s sexy and groomed enough it can even hide a bland personality. It’s even been used to detract attention from a bald head.
And to all of that I say bravo. We women have been known to hide a push up bra or two in the depths of our undies drawer to be brought out when we’re feeling a little, meh. Or going out on a date. We’re like make-up Ninjas with our ability to hid a zit or contour some cheek bones out of nowhere.
With the right texture, thickness and blending, a beard can be a mighty fine way to catch the eye of us lady folk.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I once stopped mid kiss to sniff a man’s beard. Like, not in a weird way, he had lathered it with the most heavenly smoky eucalyptus oil to keep it conditioned and smelling va va voom. OK, maybe a tad weird on my behalf.
I also once got a clean-shaven boyfriend to grow a beard for my hormonally driven pleasure. He shaved it off as soon as we broke up. Good.
Be careful though, for you will be exposed. Just like us women who eventually must take off the bra that’s keeping these ta ta’s up close to heaven, one day there’s a good chance your lady friend will be exposed to your real face.
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True story, for the first 15 years of my life I only knew my Dad’s face with a thick moustache. Think Tom Selleck / Ron Swanson style.
Then one day he had a midlife crisis and shaved the thing off. I barely recognised him. Turns out the man had barely a top lip. Yep, I’d been hoodwinked for the first 15 years of my life. Hmmm … does that explain the trust issues. OK that’s a whole other topic.
So why does Movember seem to be my favourite month? I can’t be the only one if ‘Beard Baiting’ is indeed a thing? After some rather fun research (and a bit of sidetracking to perve on all the mighty beards in the googlesphere) I discovered that MOST women would happily sacrifice a bit of pash rash in exchange for a bearded boyf.
You see, in 2018 the University of New South Wales discovered some interesting results around the bearded man. They had a group of women compare a range of facial hair on 250 different guys faces, at the following intervals: Clean Shaven, five days (light stubble), 10 days (heavy stubble) and four weeks (full beard).
The study found that women judged faces with heavy stubble as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces as similarly less attractive.
Let me point you to a very fine example. We all thought Zac Efron was cute in The Greatest Showman, but have you seen him in that new Netflix doco Down to Earth? He’s all bearded up, traipsing through the Puerto Rican jungle milking goats with his ruggedly handsome face. Good lord.
Similarly, do you really think Jason Mamoa could slay the ruler of Atlantis in Aquaman without a thickly grown-and-slightly-neglected legacy hanging off his face. Nope.
These men are beard baiting us and here is hoping many more will follow suit.
Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking