The Bachelor’s behind-the-scenes crew are forced to swarm in and intervene at Thursday night’s cocktail party as “warfare” breaks out and a frontrunner quits only hours after the girls leave isolation and return to Casa del Tacky Red Champagne Flutes.
After months of upheaval and uncertainty during this pandemic, it’s just great to see something finally return to normal.
Locky and the girls have had to persevere with the show during lockdown – pursuing potential romance over Zoom calls and text messages. It has been difficult – for them, but mostly for us.
The girls are thrilled that, from tonight, they’ll finally be able to find love the old-fashioned way: by being locked in a rental mansion and fighting over one guy in front of 17 cameramen wearing food-stained hoodies. Just like nan and pop.
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For Locky, he’s terrified about returning to the mansion.
“My adrenaline’s pumping. It’s the same rush as standing on the edge of a cliff,” he shares.
It’s a terrific advertisement for future contestants: Apply for The Bachelor! It’s like hurling your body off a cliff!
Producers are honestly just trolling us at this point. We spend 15 minutes watching each girl pull up in their own individual Camry and walk down the red carpet on the front lawn to meet Locky again. It has been two weeks! We’re sure they remember each other.
He hugs and kisses all of them and then the girls hug and kiss each other inside and this entire house should be listed as an official COVID hotspot by the government.
The rest and respite in isolation hasn’t dampened the foul behaviour. Only seconds after entering the same room as each other, Roxi and Juliette are at it.
“The behaviour towards me in the house has been very passive aggressive,” Juliette jabs, passive aggressively.
“Bullsh*t! Are u getting paid to be here?” Roxi lashes out. “You must be an actor because that is you in a nutshell!”
We’re so tired of this nonsense – it’s of no interest to us anymore. Mainly because there’s a new catfight storyline that’s emerging.
Bella and Irena were once best friends but that soured when Bella realised Locky has a strong connection with both of them. Now Bella’s all bitter and twisted about it. She walks into the mansion and warmly acknowledges every girl except Irena. Then she drags her new friends away to b**ch.
“Irena grinds my gears – she’s toxic,” she rolls her eyes. “She said to me that Locky was calling her everyday. So, basically, she’s a compulsive liar. This friendship isn’t working for me. I can’t even trust her when she tells me what she’s had for breakfast.”
Yeah. Someone here is definitely toxic.
While Bella’s busy sledging her new nemesis to anyone who’ll listen, Locky grabs Irena for an intimate chat. It’s just fuel to the fire for Bella.
“She’s now over there having a b**ch about things that I can guarantee you are fabricated,” she spits.
In a perfect example of stellar reality TV editing, we immediately cut to Irena being completely lovely and not saying a thing about Bella. Bravo, producers. Bravo.
“I miss her and I miss our friendship. I wanna tell her I’ve got no ill feelings,” she muses to herself as she walks across the patio to find Bella.
The olive branch is promptly hacked away with a machete.
“I’m definitely feeling like I’ve been backstabbed,” Bella fires up before spewing out pettiness at lightning-speed. “You tell me Locky called you every day which never happened. He said you texted him every day.”
Irena’s humiliated to even be involved in this ridiculous argument. “You make it sound like he was obligated to call me.”
Bella cuts her off. “You insinuated that he called you.”
“But he did call me. It doesn’t matter if I messaged first,” Irena furrows her brow.
“You’re fabricating!” Bella accuses.
“How is that fabricating?”
“We’re supposed to be best mates – you’re not supposed to fabricate anything,” Bella continues.
“But that’s not fabricating. How is that fabricating?” Irena stays calm.
“Stop saying the word ‘fabricate’!” we yell at the TV.
Bella calls over another girl to get to the bottom of what classifies fabricating but suddenly gives up on both the argument and friendship. “Irena, I don’t trust you anymore.”
“ … Well, I don’t trust you,” Irena shakes her head.
“Then great, friendship done. I’m f**king over your bullshit, to be honest. You’re a manipulative little b**ch,” Bella yells as she storms off through the backyard.
We’re on Irena’s side. Mainly because she’s the only contestant who didn’t drape Christmas lights around her living room for the Zoom dates during isolation.
Meanwhile, Roxi pulls Locky away to bring up that time – weeks ago – when he took her on a single date and then kissed Bella immediately after at the cocktail party.
Locky is exasperated. He wants a relationship with Roxi – not Ronda. But it’s a two-for-one package.
“Come on Roxi, I thought we’d moved past this. Ughhh Roxi give me a break,” he snaps.
“Look, I’ve let that go,” she huffs
He cuts her off: “I don’t think you have!”
Locky needs to vent and by the time he records a piece-to-camera, his hair is dishevelled and he looks like he has downed a bottle of Jack Daniels just to cope with the onslaught of craziness.
“Roxi said she has moved on from the kiss. I totally do not believe it because she railed me again!” he blurts out, wide-eyed. “ … I’m not gonna say sorry for it. I’m here to find a connection. You are confusing as sh*t, Roxi, but you got me chasing and I can’t stop climbing that god damn wall.”
Roxi has officially pushed Locky to the brink. And in a beautiful example of narrative symmetry, Roxi is swiftly pushed to the brink herself. Juliette walks by to taunt her and she loses it.
“I’ll f**k off! I’ll f**k off! Go f**k myself! F**k off, get the cameras out of my face. Get me out,” she shoves her palm in the lens as she storms through the living room. “No! Nup! Nup! I’ve had enough!”
A producer intervenes. “You need to calm down, Rox,” she warns as another producer enters the shot. They swarm in and back her into a corner.
“Juliette just pokes and pokes and pokes and she f**king wins,” she sobs. “I just wanna go home. Pack my bag, I’m done.”
Roxi is a frontrunner and has been from the start. Locky has made it clear he likes her. Even after she went crazy on him just moment ago, he declared he’s still chasing her. But that’s not enough.
She shoves her crap in her suitcase and wheels it down the gravel driveway without even saying goodbye to the man she was fighting for.
But then she stops. As the motion sensor flood light flicks on and off, she turns around and looks up at the mansion. “F**k you, Juliette! Skank!” she yells.
And in a final moment of empowerment, she raises her middle finger at the house and walks away.
I do the same thing when I leave the office every afternoon.