Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband worried about his wife’s “flirty” texts with another man, a guy who wants to know why sex always feels like a “chore” and someone looking for some advice on a popular bedroom tool.
WIFE’S ‘FLIRTY’ TEXTS TO ANOTHER MAN RUINED MY SEX DRIVE
QUESTION: My wife was sexting a bloke who she said she was just “stupid talking” with but I saw the messages and they were very flirty and quite sexual. We are working it out although I’m not 100% convinced she is telling the truth when she says that she’s stopped messaging him. We have an average sex life but now I’m struggling to get in the mood for sex. This is now adding more stress to me trying to work it out. Have I now become impotent from this?
ANSWER: It sounds like you’re experiencing what we would call ‘situational erectile dysfunction’ due to the relationship issues you’re facing. Unfortunately, the added stress that you feel probably isn’t helping.
It’s unlikely to be lasting, especially if you manage to sort your relationship issues out.
There are medications available that can help with your erections, but they aren’t designed to help get you in the mood.
I recommend sorting out the issues in your relationship first. You’ve clearly been impacted by her messages with this other bloke. That’s totally understandable. Sexting would generally be considered a form of infidelity. Regardless of how she saw it, it sounds like a huge betrayal of trust. You’ll need to rebuild that trust in your relationship.
Getting things back on track after infidelity (of any kind), is possible, but it takes time and effort for both partners involved.
It concerns me that you’re still worried about her messaging this guy – and that she seems to be minimising/dismissing what was going on. For a couple to overcome infidelity or betrayal, it’s important the person who did the betraying can acknowledge what they’ve done, take responsibility and understand the impact their behaviour had on their partner. I’m not sure that your wife has been able to do that so far. It’s going to make it difficult to repair and recover from until she does.
If you haven’t already, I suggest reaching out to a couples therapist to help you resolve the issue of her texting this bloke and rebuild communication and trust in your relationship. If your sexual desire and erections don’t return, it may also be helpful to see a sexologist or sex therapist who can help you resolve these issues.
WHY IS SEX ALWAYS A ‘CHORE’?
QUESTION: Why do I always lose sexual attraction after around one year in a relationship? I love my current partner but after more than a year together, sex has became a chore.
ANSWER: There are a couple of things I suspect might be going on here.
I often share here about “attachment style” and the impact that can have on our relationships. It can also have an impact on our sexual desire. It’s possible that you have what we call an ‘avoidant attachment style’, which means too much closeness in your relationships is going to freak you out a bit. People with an avoidant attachment style find ways to create more distance in their relationships, avoiding sex can be one of those ways.
It may also be because you have certain beliefs about sex that are getting in the way of your desire. The fact that you see sex as a ‘chore’ tells me it’s something you think you have to do for someone else, not yourself and your own pleasure.
HOW DO I USE LUBE?
QUESTION: I’m thinking of using lube in the bedroom but I’m not sure where to start as there are so many available. How would you recommend I go about choosing what lube to use?
ANSWER: Using lube can is a great idea. It can definitely make things more comfortable and enjoyable.
Choosing a lube is somewhat dependent on how you want to use it.
Water-based lubricants are safe to use with toys and condoms, but can become a bit sticky.
Silicone lubes are slipperier and long-lasting, but it’s not recommended that they be used with silicone sex toys.
Oil-based lube can’t be used with condoms.
Scented, flavoured and ‘warming’ lubes can have ingredients that upset the delicate PH balance of your vagina, so I don’t recommend them. Same with petroleum-based products.
Personally, I recommend lubricants that are mostly organic or have mostly natural ingredients.
Some brands I recommend are: Good Clean Love, Überlube Sliquid, YES and Sylk.
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram