Entertainment News

James Weir recaps Bach: Locky naked in video as sex secret exposed

Coronavirus shutdown madness sweeps through The Bachelor cast on Thursday night and propels Locky to get naked in an online Zoom date while one girl’s sex secret is exposed – neither incident comparing to the time I accidentally went live on Instagram for 90 minutes while drunk during lockdown.Can it get sadder? It’s The Bachelor,…

Coronavirus shutdown madness sweeps through The Bachelor cast on Thursday night and propels Locky to get naked in an online Zoom date while one girl’s sex secret is exposed – neither incident comparing to the time I accidentally went live on Instagram for 90 minutes while drunk during lockdown.

Can it get sadder? It’s The Bachelor, so, yes. One girl is then dumped over Zoom while standing in her grandparents’ living room as a well-worn cream La-Z-Boy recliner looms in the background.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS: Listen to the podcast below

That dank old mansion has been evacuated and the girls have been sent home. Osher hand-delivers laptops so the show can go on.

Boo! Zoom dates. After living through isolation and virtual work meetings, we don’t want to re-live it in prime time television. But guys, there’s a silver lining. We can judge everyone’s bad decor! I could go full Shaynna Blaze on this living room.

Some random girl named Izzy scores a single date with Locky, so they rev up their Zoom apps and proceed to plunge into their separate bath tubs. Electronic devises and bodies of water do not mix, but let’s just see what happens.

This date is hindered by a bad internet connection and Izzy’s catastrophic laugh echoing around the tiled walls. It’s only saved by Locky’s naked side-butt.

There’s also a group date. At first we feel terrible that they’ve all missed out on the classic Bachelor experience – getting to use complimentary Red Balloon vouchers for midweek boating dates around Sydney Harbour on overcast days. But producers have made up for it. They’ve mailed all the girls ugly onesies to wear during a Zoom chat with Locky. Plush novelty clothing? Fun! Not really. But, again, let’s get all Shaynna Blaze on this dame’s living room:

What on earth can these bozos do over Zoom together? The producers make them all submit anonymous questions for each other and it just turns into an accidental roast.

“Bella, are you here for love or your social media presence,” one question is read out.

Bella is meek and this cuts her to the bone. “Well, I’ve already got a social media presence so thanks for stitching me up tonight, guys,” she holds back tears.

Yeah, take that anonymous trolls!

“Juliette, are you being honest about being celibate for 12 years? Or did you mean 12 days?” comes the next question. Ouch!

This is the first time we’ve heard about Juliette’s celibacy. Bringing it up over a Zoom call is just inappropriate. Zoom calls are intended for important business meetings and getting drunk with annoying colleagues. They’re not for outing people’s embarrassing sex secrets – unless they’re about annoying colleagues who aren’t at the virtual work dranks.

“I was celibate for 12 years. The last time I had sex was when I was 22 years old with my first boyfriend of six years. And then I was like, I’m gonna pursue god. So, yeah,” she snips back.

And if anyone asks, that’s also my excuse for not getting laid recently. It’s certainly not because of my appalling personality and need to keep people at arms length. It’s because I found god. The fact I also found out that Magnum ice creams now come in pint-sized tubs has nothing to do with it.

The claws are out and the next question is for Roxi. “Roxi, why do you have a secret boyfriend?”

OK, we’re just being trolled by these stupid questions now. Still, Roxi takes it seriously.

“I don’t have a fake secret boyfriend!” she fires back. “Who wrote this piece of shit question? It’s total bullshit. Someone is out to get me!”

She gets so angry she furiously clicks the “leave chat” button on the Zoom screen and slams shut the lid of her Mac. This is exactly how I leave our morning work conferences.

She sits in her backyard sobbing.

“I don’t even wanna film anymore! I’m not comin’ back!” she wails. ”I’m done with it! One hundred per cent done with it.”

Precisely seven minutes and 28 seconds later, Roxi logs back on for the Zoom cocktail party.

Bella’s house almost catches fire because she has pulled the Christmas lights out of her back shed and draped them all over the furniture in her living room.

Juliette and Roxi start fighting on the Zoom chat and Kaitlyn just sits there with a margarita like all of us at the morning virtual work conference.

Everyone’s internet connection keeps dropping out so Locky just cuts straight to the rose ceremony.

This chick is dumped over Zoom and the only thing that makes it more pathetic is she’s standing in her grandparents’ living room.

Could it get worse? Yes. Osher then kicks her out of the Zoom call.

Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Leave a Comment