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James Weir recaps Bach | ‘Gold Coast trash’: Feral fight explodes

A paranoid contestant on The Bachelor goes feral on Thursday night and launches a vicious fight where she offends everyone who has ever lived on the Gold Coast.It’s embarrassing. How embarrassing? Six week regrowth embarrassing. That’ll make sense soon.What has become abundantly clear is producers of this esteemed programme are clutching at straws and stretching…

A paranoid contestant on The Bachelor goes feral on Thursday night and launches a vicious fight where she offends everyone who has ever lived on the Gold Coast.

It’s embarrassing. How embarrassing? Six week regrowth embarrassing. That’ll make sense soon.

What has become abundantly clear is producers of this esteemed programme are clutching at straws and stretching out their footage to fill episodes that got wiped out because of the coronavirus shutdown. It’s just the same thing over and over. But it’s OK. We’ve got Zoom call dates to look forward to in the near future. Yay! More of the same but with a glitchy internet connection!

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

LISTEN TO THE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS PODCAST HERE

What we love about this current series is producers have gone out of their way to curate a strong mix of sharp, intelligent girls. They’re all ushered outside and surprised with a giant chess board for the day’s challenge.

“We go outside and we see a big chest (sic) board so we ashume (sic) that we’re playing human chest (sic),” Gemma informs us.

As per the traditional rules of chess, Osher incorporates a game of “never have I ever”.

“Gemma, never have I ever sent a naughty picture,” he asks.

She reveals she has. What was the picture of? She doesn’t say. We ashume it was of her chess.

Gemma somehow wins the game and scores private time with Locky. The conversation is electric as she explains her time as a beauty pageant queen.

“I don’t really watch the news but leading up to the pageant I watch the news just so I know what’s going on. It’s just how my brain works and it all mashes in together,” she says, and it makes about as much sense as a game of chest.

Back at the mansion, the girls are getting ready for the cocktail party. Charley is poking around the back shed and finds that old tub Richie and Alex used for their gross chocolate bath a million years ago. She hoses it out, fills it with dirt and chucks some dead roses in it.

Once Locky arrives, she peer pressures him to submerge his body in it with hers and it’s as sexy as being smeared with brown matter.

The other girls are dirty about it. Filthy! And that’s saying something because they’re not even the ones submerged in mud.

“This wouldn’t happen on the outside. Like, would you really bring a bathtub to the f**king nightclub?” Kristina snipes.

Keen observation, Kristina. We absolutely would not. At best we’d just bring Wet Wipes.

Kaitlyn takes the mud bath as a wakeup call.

“I need to step up my game. I need to stand out and do something different to get his attention,” she says.

When I wanna get a guy’s attention, I sneak into his house, put on his girlfriend’s kaftan and wait in the dark until he arrives back from work. Kaitlyn has a different idea.

She springs to her feet and starts pacing around in search of a mint. Why? Simple: she’s planning on attacking Locky with a surprise kiss. It doesn’t involve a borrowed kaftan but it’s almost as bold.

“Let’s get some toothpaste to put in my mouth. Can I have some toothpaste?” she asks a producer.

Freshly Colgated, she lunges at Locky and attempts to lay a passionate kiss on him. He tries aggressively to swerve his face away. Kaitlyn marks it down as a victory.

“We did have a peck. I did leave quite accomplished,” she tells us.

You better believe Roxi is spinning out about this non-kiss.

“I’m sorry but I think that’s really rude to everyone else. You kissed someone at a cocktail party. That’s classless. She’s Gold Coast trash,” she spits within ear shot of Kaitlyn. “This little silly bit*h over here is saying she pecked on with someone. It’s disgusting. The bit*h is a slut.”

Roxi bursts into tears and runs out of the cocktail party again. We’re not surprised. As the old adage goes: If Roxi doesn’t burst into tears and flee, did a cocktail party even happen?

But she’s not the only one who’s upset. We look around and everyone’s crying.

“I’m seeing him look at girls the same way he looked at me. He literally hasn’t looked at me once tonight,” Bella sobs. “I’m so used to feeling not good enough. Irena’s my best friend in here – I love her – she’s the older, better version of me. Irena’s just the upgrade of Bella.”

Good grief. Pull yourselves together! It’s an emotional rollercoaster tonight. One second these ladies are hysterically crying and then they’re suddenly at each other’s throats.

Some random chick who we’ve never seen before starts talking and then Kaitlyn cuts her off and then Roxi picks a fight with Kaitlyn who retaliates by shoving her hand in her face. It sets Roxi off.

“Kaitlyn, aka Malibu Barbie Gone Wrong, can you just shut up? Shut up. Shut up, Kaitlyn,” she fumes.

It’s around now they all start screeching at each other and we only hear snippets of the many insults being hurled across the lounge room.

“What is wrong with you? Are you mentally not all there?” Roxi asks as Kaitlyn shushes her. The shush only enrages her more. “Do not ever do that to me again!”

Roxi springs to her feet and goes completely feral.

“You are trash! You are trash! You are trash! Trash!” she lashes her finger in the air at Kaitlyn. “Put your f**king hand in my face again … I swear to god. You are trash! Trash! Gold Coast f**king trash! Ya fake hair! Ya fake lashes! Ya fake tits! Whatever. F**k off!”

Just when we think Roxi has ran out of sledges, she decides she isn’t done with insulting everyone who has ever lived on the Gold Coast.

“To me, she’s Surfers Paradise rolled up into a f**king roll up. If you literally lit her on fire her whole body would burn because it’s plastic,” she mutters as she’s dragged into the hallway to cool off.

Quite a commotion was caused and we don’t know why Locky never once felt the need to check in on why everyone was screaming at each other. The other girls can’t believe the behaviour they just witnessed it. Charley swears on her eyebrows that it’s the most barbaric thing she has ever seen.

“It was disgusting how she spoke to somebody. Honestly, it was almost as embarrassing as my regrowth after six weeks. I just can’t even deal,” she bravely admits.

Osher starts switching the lights on and off to wrangle all the bozos into the rose ceremony room. Penguin Girl and Areeba’s 2IC minion get nixed. Osher barely gives them a chance to say goodbye before he shoves them into a Toyota Camry and runs back inside.

“I have to tell you something that is quite important,” he whispers to the room.

“The City of Gold Coast is launching a lawsuit against Roxi for defamation?” we ask.

He doesn’t confirm or deny this, but he does inform us The Bachelor is being shut down due to a strange virus that has the ability to wipe out all of human civilisation.

Wow. That’s scary. Almost scarier than Charley’s six week regrowth.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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