Michael Clarke’s rumoured relationship with activewear designer Pip Edwards became serious on a quiet Wednesday afternoon in Bondi last month.
What happened on that specific arvo? He went to the hair salon with her.
A straight man going to the hair salon with a new flame is an official indicator that things are getting serious.
Until then, their relationship was just a rumour. The cricket star and the P.E Nation co-founder had been getting papped for months but always denied they were more than mates.
Last week it was reported Clarke confirmed the romance – which comes four months after his divorce from Kyly. But the low-key weekday trip to Koda Cutters salon in Bondi happened a few weeks before the anonymous source confirmation. And really, the salon visit is the only proof required.
No guy actually wants to hang out at a hair salon. The only reason a guy will do this is to impress a new chick he’s dating. The move immediately kicks the romance up a notch. You’re no longer just hooking up – you’re now dating.
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While it makes things official, it’s still in the hot new initial phase – the phase where you’re still putting your best self on display at all times. You’ll happily go anywhere with them and do anything they want to do, no matter how tedious. Your attitude is positive and your personal hygiene is flawless.
The “salon test” should be recognised as an official step in all adult relationships.
I’ve never gone to a salon for someone but I have gone kayaking. It was absolute torture and I hated every second, but you better believe I lied and pretended to love the punishing four hour excursion.
Michael didn’t last the entire salon visit. Not many guys could. He abandoned the mission and crapped off after chatting away for a bit but merely setting foot inside the salon with Pip was enough to pass the salon test.
Karl Stefanovic passed the salon test when he first started dating Jasmine. A photo posted on Blown Lux’s Instagram feed in 2017 of the Today host hanging out at the salon while Jasmine got a blow-dry was the first sign their relationship was serious.
These days, Karl and Jasmine are well out of the salon stage. They’ve just had a kid and Karl’s running around town in Best & Less trackpants. They’re now in that phase where you no longer care about presenting your best yourself. This phase probably also involves the bathroom door being left open.
Michael and Pip can look forward to all of this.
PODCASTS ARE THE BREAD MAKERS OF 2020
People are getting more annoying by the day and I blame podcasts.
Podcasts have fooled everyone into thinking what they have to say matters and even the smallest, most mundane thoughts need to be over-articulated and over-intellectualised.
Everyone has got a podcast. Remember when bread makers became a thing in the early 2000s? Everyone bought one and wouldn’t shut up about it. But they all quickly abandoned the appliance when they realised they’re not professional bakers and making your own bread is a ridiculous waste of time. Podcasts are the bread makers of 2020.
Anyway, it’s not necessarily podcasters who are becoming annoying. It’s the people who listen to them.
My elderly neighbour Judith has just discovered podcasts. This is the same woman who only recently discovered ABC iview and thinks it’s Netflix. The same woman who asked me if she should join TikTok and who I advised should try her hand at OnlyFans instead.
She’s now obsessed with podcasts and recommends different ones every time we cross paths. She then later quizzes me to make sure I’ve listened. I need to move just to escape being peer pressured into listening to podcasts about things I don’t care about.
When the Kardashians first saturated the world they were blamed for influencing the sound of an entire generation’s voice. Articles have been written about “vocal frying” – a term that describes the low, croaky, monotonous, sometimes nasally, voice the famous family talks with.
I think podcasts are having the same effect and are causing people to run around using a “podcast voice”. It sounds exactly like you think it would: smooth, smiley and wise.
People with podcast voice use every conversation as a performance. They usually also wear unnecessary scarfs which just makes them even more annoying.
Next to me in a coffee shop this week was an example of all this. This dame was an eastern suburbs mum with a kid named Summer so already that paints a picture of who we’re dealing with.
On this relaxed afternoon, she talked obnoxiously loud about herself and spouted wisdom with a misplaced confidence that suggested everyone surrounding her should feel lucky to hear.
“What’s happening? Right now, I’m just working on being OK with not knowing what’s happening. So that is what’s happening,” she stated, proudly leaning back in her chair and pausing so her friend and the rest of the cafe could ponder the magnitude of her sage revelation.
Instagram spirituality and podcast philosophy is the new religion. She rolled on for 40 minutes, dishing out her insights like some kind of homebrand Brené Brown.
“I don’t like CVs. I’m not a ‘paper’ person. I’m a ‘person’ person. You can meet me and you’ll like me or you won’t – and it’s cool either way. But if you meet me, I sell my skills – and, ultimately, I sell myself. You are your best advertisement,” she boasted, pausing again to allow us all a moment to feel her inspiring sermon rush over our bodies like an icy cold wave.
“You might be a ‘person’ person, but you’re also an ‘annoying’ person,” I sighed as Homebrand Brené glanced over.
Podcasts are to blame for this kind of overconfident, over-woke behaviour.
I should declare I have a podcast but that’s only because I don’t eat carbs. If I ate carbs, I totally would’ve bought a bread maker instead.